you'll never know

[radgamerlatula]

 summary; you'll never know how i feel about you.

pairing; kouichiizumi onesided, koujiizumi main.
series; digimon frontier
disclaimer; nope!
notes; i'm back! sort of ish. check profile for info on that. anyway, this was a vent of sorts? i guess? idek what i was doing. oh well. this is bad but long so enjoy it anyway!

..

You walked into school feeling lighter than you had in months. Your wonderful twin brother had called you last night, the conversation not one that you had been expecting to ever happen.

"Kouji? I have an important question for you," he had told you, worry seeping in his voice through the phone. First, you had panicked. Had you done something to upset him?

Your breath hitched as you told him to ask you anything.

"Do you still have feelings for Izumi? Because she's planning on confessing to you tomorrow and I need to know if I'm going to need to buy her ice cream."

Second, you had absolutely freaked out. Your crush on the girl had started way back in the beginning of your adventures in the digital world. You hadn't known to how handle it or show it or not show it, instead treating her like just another friend in the group. Over time, though, when the feeling hadn't gone away, you realized you were in trouble.

You had assumed it was just because she was the only female in a group full of guys. It was natural to like her, everyone else in the group seemed to in any case. Once you had all made it back home, you figured the feelings would fade and you could continue being her friend.

But they never faded, and you realized that the way you felt for Izumi was more than a simple crush.

You continued your walk through the halls to your first class with a newly found bounce in your step. The girl you've been in love with for years now was going to confess to you today. You thought that gave you the right to be a little happier than normal.

..

Last night was so vivid in your memory as you walked through the hallways of school.

"Kouichi? I was wondering if you could help me with something," she had asked, her green eyes avoidant and her mouth in a frown. You were best friends, it was not unusual for her to ask you for advice or want to talk to you about a problem in her life. Just as it was not unusual for you to do the same.

You gave her a smile. "Of course. What can I do for you?" The only difference was that while Izumi viewed you as her best friend, you viewed her as so much more.

She had taken a deep breath before asking. "Do you think Kouji feels the same way I feel about him? I was thinking of confessing to him."

You looked at your feet, agony evident in your eyes. You have been in love with the blonde since your days in the digital world with her, and you were so happy when the two of you became close. You thought you had something special with her, as she was your best friend after all.

But it was your brother she was after all along.

No, no, damn it, no, you cursed yourself. She had even told you the night before that she did not become friends with you because of Kouji, and she truly loved you as her best friend.

It was almost like she knew, but then she had smiled and said that she was glad you loved her like that, too.

How could you tell her how you really felt when she depended on you in such a different way? How could you tell her how you really felt when you knew your brother felt the same? You couldn't, and you knew that no matter how much you wanted to, it wouldn't be fair to either of them.

"Kouichi! Hello!" She wrapped her skinny arms around your waist before you could react. Immediately, you returned her embrace.

"Izumi, good morning," you said, smiling at her.

"Today's the big day," she told you, nervously tucking her long blonde hair behind her ear, even though it was already in place.

"Hopefully it goes well." You hoped you sounded reassuring and hopeful instead of dead in the water, like you felt. Her face lit up, so you assumed you did a good job.

"Thank you, Kouichi," she told you, followed by something that made your heart skip a beat.

And yet, you thought, as you replied to her, her heart will never do the same for me.

..

He hadn't been anywhere he normally was today, and it was starting to put you off. Normally you were more confident than this, but you were beginning to think he didn't want to see you today. Takuya, Junpei, and of course Kouichi had all seen him, and said that he looked to be in a better mood than usual. This had perked your confidence back up, but you had still not seen him all day.

Finally, during lunch period, you spotted him. You saw him walking towards your table, his usual swagger in his step, and you jumped up from your seat. Takuya and Junpei looked at you questioningly, while Kouichi just gave you a thumbs up. Calling to them that you'd explain to them later, you ran off towards Kouji.

"Kouji, can I talk to you in private?" You asked, as you approached him. He gave you one of his rare smiles, the ones that you swore he saved just for you.

"Of course," came his easy reply, and the two of you walked off to find somewhere quiet.

As you were walking, the two of you exchanged small talk - how his day had been, how yours had been, simple things like that. You were nervous, incredibly so, so you were just glad that he wasn't commenting on it.

It seemed like it had taken forever, but the two of you had made it to a secluded area.

He looked at you expectantly, and you realized that you were the one who had asked him to speak to you.

"I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, but I," you faltered. How were you supposed to do this?

You could've sworn his breath had caught in his throat, but why would it have? It's not like he knew what you were about to say to him.

You took a deep breath before continuing. "Kouji Minamoto, I'm in love with you."

The two of you stared into each other's eyes for a minute, and right before you could say that it was okay to reject you, his face broke out into a giant grin. Within seconds, his arms were around you.

You thought he whispered it into your hair, but you couldn't be sure.

..

The newly formed couple had wanted to hang out with you today, as it was Friday, and you had almost declined. You weren't sure if you were ready to deal with them together yet, as you still needed to get a wrap on your feelings for your best friend. You care about her, and your twin brother, way too much to ruin their newly formed relationship, but you caved and said yes.

You had never fully recovered from your stunts under Cherubimon and Lucemon's control, and that caused you to agree to things that you really shouldn't be agreeing to.

Which is why you were now staring longingly at Izumi while she tried to get her new boyfriend to hold her hand. You held yourself back from snapping in Kouji, replaying what you would do over and over in your mind's eye.

You wouldn't just hold her hand, you would put your arm around her if that's what she wanted. You wouldn't have a scowl on your lips, you would be grinning from ear to ear. You wouldn't be awkward about public displays of affection, you would do anything she would ever ask of you.

You hated yourself for agreeing to this.

Kouji and Izumi both seemed to be picking up on your dark mood, and had stopped their odd fight for affection.

"Are you okay?" Kouji asked hesitantly. You could tell from the way his eyebrows furrowed that he was worried about you, and the way Izumi's lips were in a slight pout you knew she was feeling the same.

You sighed inwardly. This was exactly what you were afraid of. You were hoping you'd be a better actor than this, but you should've known that you can't hide anything from your twin brother and best friend.

You gave them a smile that was supposed to be happy, but probably came out shaky and awkward.

"I'm alright, I just didn't sleep well last night."

If there's anything you could fall back on, it's your constant nightmares. Your reign as Duskmon had given you PTSD, of sorts, and while you hated using it to lie to the two most important people to you, you knew they would easily accept it.

Both of them nodded, and Kouji let out a breath of relief.

It was silent for a moment, and in that moment you could've sworn you heart your heart fall.

"Thank you, Kouichi. You'll never know how much your friendship means to me," her voice replayed in your mind, as you imagined her lips saying something very different.

"You'll never know," you had repeated back, followed by something laced with hidden meanings of love and adoration. You'll never know how much you mean to me. You'll never know how much I love you, how much I adore you. You'll never know the way I feel about you, or think about you. You'll never know.

But what could you do, you thought to yourself. She isn't in love with you. She doesn't feel the same way that you feel. So what could you do?

Well, you thought, trying to push these thoughts out of your head and jump back into the conversation that Kouji was trying to engage you in, I'll just do what I've been doing. I'll continue being her best friend, you told yourself with confidence. And I'll continue loving her. Even if it kills me, you smiled at the two of them as you thought this.

Because the least you could do was make her happy, even if you were an emotional wreck.

You'll never know.